k88888888 asked: The last 2 occasions I have gone out with my friends to get drinks I have ended up in the same conversation with 2 different black men. I am a black woman. They end up telling me how difficult it is to talk to black woman and how black women get upset when they see them with white women but it's black women's fault they are with them. Both times it is men who have to interest in me or me in them. I never know how to respond. Why do they feel the need to tell me this info?
I…would dodge men like this, to be very honest. All Black men aren’t like this but the ones who are will be a genuine headache for you.
Black men who say what you mentioned tend to:
Talk to Black women differently from White women. Less respect. More immediately sexual. More entitlement. Quicker to aggression. Despite this difference, they still expect the same result. Compliance. They feel “owed” Black women at least, so we have less space to reject them or demand more from them than a White woman does. In the White supremacist, racist, Eurocentric beauty standards-framed dating pool, Black women are ranked lowest.
Ignore context. Black women and White women do not have the same histories or lives despite sharing gender, and entitled heterosexual Black men ignore this. If a White woman is at a public place giggly and smiley and ready for a man to talk to her, maybe she has a job since their unemployment is lower, their hourly wage is higher and their average wealth is 40K while for Black women studies rank it at one dollar to one hundred dollars. Thus, maybe the financial stress isn’t the same for her then. Maybe she wasn’t just mistaken for a clerk or maid in a derogatory way, not a way that recognizes the value of all work. Maybe she didn’t just experience 5 street harassment incidents at or before she entered that public place since Black women experience this more than White women. Maybe she wasn’t mistaken for a shoplifter. Maybe she wasn’t just abused since their domestic violence incidence is lower. Maybe she didn’t just see five television shows that portrayed her as a mammy, Jezebel or Sapphire or ignored her altogether. Maybe she didn’t just see a commercial that portrayed her as loud, ignorant person. Maybe she didn’t just watch the local news as they repeatedly framed stories about her as a criminal or abusive mother in the way they do Black women; maybe she gets to be human on the local news with fluffy superficial “human interest” stories. Maybe she didn’t just finish watching an award show that was whiter than fucking snow in Alaska while she crossed her fingers hoping someone, anyone Black would have their work honored to hopefully create opportunities for other Black people, despite knowing the problems with awards and meritocracy itself, amidst a White supremacist society. Maybe a lot of things. Black men enjoy ignoring this and literally privileging White women’s behavior over Black women’s. We are required to perform the same emotions as White women despite very different realities that impact those emotions.
Act like they have no conception of the fact that street harassment is not flirting and is not a precursor to dating. Street harassment is not flirting. Domestic violence is not marital communication. Rape is not sex.
Overestimate their impact. Some Black men believe that all Black women are cisgender heterosexual cry babies pining for them in taverns and hair salons and churches. No. The reality is, many Black women don’t care. We aren’t giving them the look of death in public or “Resting Bitch Face” (H/T Chescaleigh) to harm them but to PREVENT them from even talking to us in the first place because we are busy, not in the mood, not interested or just tired of it all. Some Black men’s interest in White women is more about their hatred for Black women than love for anyone, including White women or themselves. It’s about status; White supremacist heteropatriarchal status.
Certainly there are Black men in loving and caring relationships with White women, where discussing the realities of race and intersectionality are their norm. Conversely, others date them with the intention of hurting Black women and feeling like a peer with White men, despite facing racism themselves. If their relationships are really great, there would be NO REASON to tell Black women that White women are “better” in any way. Black men’s misogynoir against Black women + White women’s racism against Black women = foundation of their relationships when toxic.
Dodge them. No really…DODGE.
Good luck with meeting someone who isn’t like this. Take care.